Sauron FoodCo Threatens World Food Supply - Only Plucky, Hobbit-like Co-op Members can Save Us

Gondor Press Service

Warning to sensitive readers. The following story contains a graphic description of what happens to co-ops when members choose not to vote in fall elections.

YOUR FAVORITE CO-OP - In a stunning development today, the food producer formerly known as Saruman's Not-Bad-StuffCo announced it was wholly acquired by international food giant Sauron FoodCo. Documents filed with the Gondor SEC reveal that a stock deal allowed Sauron FoodCo to takeover all Saruman operations effective immediately.

At the palace, King Aragorn XXXI issued this response: "Strong food co-ops, such as the Wedge which answers only to its members, are the last defense against Sauron FoodCo. Let the word go forth to all Co-op Members in Gondor, Rohan and the Shire to vote in the fall election for board members and revised Bylaws. Without strong boards, co-ops risk loss of stability. We cannot allow this to happen. Co-op Members, don't take your rights for granted. Vote in the election when it is announced in the October Newsletter. If you do not, the co-ops will start listing, becoming self-absorbed and irrelevant. We cannot return to those dark days - the cost to our children is too dear." He added, "Every vote is crucial and will be rewarded with a $5 gift certificate."

Sauron FoodCo is famous for producing belching clouds of stinking smoke from food production factories. All of its products contain numerous artificial ingredients repeatedly demonstrated to be harmful to health. Worried officials at Gondor Public Health consider Food Co-ops and their members the most critical strategic resource in the fight to retain the integrity of food and agriculture.

Sauron (AKA Old Red Eye), CEO and sole shareholder of Sauron FoodCo, immediately announced that he is turning his attention to the natural and organic food industry. "Consumers don't want 'integrity,'" gloated Sauron, salivating at a shareholder meeting with himself on Tuesday. "They want food toys in bold colors with bright flavors. To h**l with nature and nutrition." He cheered himself wildly before adding "Co-ops, schmo-ops. Throw organic farmers off the land! Let machines run wild! Bwah-hah-hah-hah!"

Saruman's former CEO, Saruman, has not been seen since the merg...

From the Editor: Reporter Frodo Baggins disappeared while text messaging the story via cell phone. Only a substantial turnout of voters can help us recover him. Spare this editor the indignity of crawling across the sales floor, weeping and begging for your ballots. There will be clear directions and easy ways to vote. Save our intrepid reporter and VOTE in the FALL ELECTION! If you vote, Frodo and the food supply can yet be saved.

(Apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien, his heirs and designees.)